The Reasons Why
by CyborgSuki
Summary: When Murdoc is addmitted to the hospital for attempted suicide, 2D decides to let him know exactly how he feels. One week and a broken heart later he relizes it might be time to move on. I know everybody says this but the summery is crap. second story rated M for yaoi and suicide
1. Chapter 1

2D sat in the hospital waiting room with his face buried in his hands. He was barely aware of noodles hand on his shoulder or russles nervous pacing. none of the hustle and bustle of the hospital around him mattered. All he could see behind his closed eyes was the image of murdocs body shaking. Why? Why would he..? did he really feel that miserable? That alone? _The singer feels the older mans occasional twitching and whimpers as he holds murdocs head in his lap on the way to the hospital. The bassist could hardly argue with the fact that he was even touching him at the moment. Just his luck that the closest 2D had evergott_

"What the hell is going on in there? The damn doctors should have told us something by now."

"We just have to patient russel-san. They will speak to us as just soon as they can."

_Every few seconds murdocs lips would move trying to speak but failing to form the right words. 2D attempts a reassuring smile and brushed the older mans bangs off his sweaty forehead. "It's a'right luv we almost there." His voice cracking near the end of the sentence betraying the worry he feels._

"Bullshit we been for an hour! Nurse wont even tell me what room he's in!"

"And yelling will not help that! Russel-san please sit down."

_He leaned his head toward the window as he felt the bassist squeeze his hand, trying to see if the hospital was anywere in the distance. Looking back down at his best mate as the man gaspes , and taking him by surprise as murdoc rolls on to his side and gags. Like he was trying to throw up, but nothing would come out….._

"Fine, fine sorry… hows D doing?

"I am not sure. He still will not speak."

_He feels murdoc start to tremble and soon the bassists body was shaking again. "No no no." he mutters, trying to hold murdoc down, stop him from hurting himself. The older mans head jerks up and the cut around Muds neck starts bleeding again, staining the hand towel he had been holding there to stop it after they found him. "Russ I cant 'old 'im!" "its ok calm down 'D im pulling in, we here." Russels voice is calm but he can tell. Russ is just as shocked as the rest of them. Shocked that murdoc would ever...could ever…._

2D didn't relize he was crying until he felt noodle reach over and brush away the tears on his cheeks. he looked over at her as she gave him a sad smile that failed to make him feel any better. All he could see was murdocs eyes when 2D found him.

_Bloodshot. Distant. Like they were gazeing into his own little world. And almost….happy._

He focused on noodles face and, his voice cracking as he said it, asked "why?"

Noodle leaned back in the her chair and gave a tired sigh. "I do not think any of us can claim to understand how murdoc-sans mind works." She said after a moment, and the tone of her voice made 2D realize just how tired the little girl was. "But if I know him at all, I believe that if he did intend to..take his o-own life, it was for a good reason."

They were all silent for awhile and 2D looked around at the other people in the waiting area. The other lives on pause, waiting, worrying. Some wanting information and some just wanting to see their loved ones faces. And some, like him, wanted both.

"Excuse me, you three are here for Mr. Niccals, yes?"

While his bandmates immediately bombarded the poor nurse with questions, 2D stayed silent, his gaze caught on the man sitting on the other side of the room.

Dark brown hair,green eyes so bright they were almost neon, and a little black stud on the right side of his nose. Couldn't have been more than twenty-five. And as 2D stared the man caught his gaze and raised an eyebrow at him. Horrified that he had been caught and blushing like a bitch, the singer quickly dropped his head and hunched his shoulders in a hopeless attempt to make his six foot stature smaller and hide. Unable to resist for long though, 2D lifted his head slightly and peeked through his hair at the other side of the room. oh my god hes still looking at me, he thought and the blush on his face grew (along with something a little more below the belt) as the man gave him a crooked half-smile.

"Toochie? Are you ready?"

2D jumped at the sound of her voice and turned to face the smaller Japanese girl. "Wot?"

"We are allowed to see murdoc-san now." She said looking up at him with a bit of concern. "Are you ready or do you need a little more time?"

"Oh..oh n-no im ok." And as they walked down the bright white hallway, he felt the guilt settle into the pit of his stomach. What the hell was he doing? Here he was flirting while just down the hall murdoc was probably hooked up to a life support or something. This was the man he loved and he was practically betraying him.

_Except he doesn't love you. _

And try as he might he couldn't stop the depressing thought from tumbling around his mind over and over as they trudged down the hall to find out the fate of their friend


	2. Chapter 2

**Lol ok sorry for the delay and the obscene shortness (is the even a word?) of this. I got sick on Tuesday and slept till 3 in the afternoon so now I have a bunch of make up work (blah). anywhore, this is a transition chapter mostly, promise the next will be longer ^o^**

_He could taste the blood dripping from his nose. The only sound in the room was Jacobs drunk, heavy breathing and his eyes watched the knife in his father's hand._

"_Well?" Jacob slurred breathing the beer on his breath into the ten year-olds face. And when he failed to answer, the man growled and threw him down against the tile floor. He doesn't even have time to cry out before the hits start. His stomach aches when his fathers shoe connects with it and his head is slammed against the floor and then.. _

_Black. _

_No….. it was fuzzy but….._

…. combanation of methamphetamine, painkillers, and alchol found in his system…..

_Voices…_

…belived to be intentional…

…. cupcake?...

_Fuck. wait, faceache? That you?_

_No…don't tell… not them_

….Presumed flight risk…..

_Um hello? I can still remember my own name, anybody wanna come fix this fuckin morphine maybe?_

…_.fuck why does my wrist hurt?_

Mandatory therapy.. two week..

And with that murdoc slowly (sadly) regained concioncnes .


	3. Chapter 3

**Yes I know im an asshat for the delay. You can kill me later ^o^ next chapter has yoai yay!**

The room looked empty when murdocs vision cleared, but as he turned his head he saw Russell in the corner, arms crossed and fast asleep. For a second he was disappointed, he could have sworn he had heard Stuarts voice. The bassist attempted to sit up but fell back on his pillow as he felt a pain shoot down his spine. He cussed loudly accidentally waking Russell from his nap. The larger man shook himself awake and cringed as he noticed murdocs obvious discomfort. Truthfully, he didn't particularly love Murdoc but he had never seen the man look as bad as he had in the last few hours.

"Hey muds. Bout time you woke up". He sounded nervous.

Murdoc stared at the ceiling.

"We were all pretty worried bout you man you got all pale and noodle started freakin ou-"

"Where's stu?"

His voice sounded horrible. Broken and slightly desperate, like he hadn't spoken in weeks.

"Oh. I think he took noodle to see if they could find something to eat. They left while the nurse was still here. You 'v been asleep for a while"

Murdoc closed his eyes, then sighed and abruptly opened them.

"Can yew pass me t'at?" he said pointing to the remote for the TV mounted on the wall.

"Oh, sure"

The room was quiet for a few minutes as murdocs scrolled through channels, eventually stopping on a crappy game show.

"Hey l-look man I don't really expect you to answer but, why would you…why?"

The bassist stared in silence at the show. The host was daring this poor girl, who already looked ready to puke, to swallow a whole eel.

Russell had almost given up on getting an answer when murdocs almost whispered "Russ?"

"Yeah?"

"If I wanna tell yew I will, so leave meh the fock alone."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dr. Sara lynch walked down the hall towards the hospitals psychiatric unit, slowly getting closer to the most difficult part of her day. In-patient 2803, Mr. Niccals. She had been working as the hospitals trauma and mental health therapist for almost 6 years and had never regretted the job she had. Then again, she had never had a patient like Niccals. He had been in the hospital for only a week and a half and he already had most of the staff praying for him to be released. Dr. lynch would stay in his room for the hour therapy that was mandatory for suicide and other trauma cases, but the first few days he would just stare at the ceiling, unable to move because of the painkillers. He was warned not to speak much to help the stitches on his neck and collarbone heal, but he refused to listen and soon the nurses were forced to tie his jaw closed until the wound had stabilized. He went on to learn how to work the machines around him and adjust his morphine dosage and refuse to acknowledge anyone who entered his room (with the exception of dr. lynch and a select few nurses). His free hand was handcuffed to the side railing on the bed to stop him from meddling with the equipment but nothing could be done about his stubborn silence.

But lynch did believe he was making some progress.

After complaining that he had nothing to do during one session she had given him the only mildly entertaining thing she had with her. The standard intelligence and sanity assessment. She left him with a pen and a promise to bring him something to pass the time. She returned the next day with a Sudoku book and only bothered to check the test once she had settled in at home that night.

The results were confusing to say the least.

His score in the IQ portion of the test was almost off the charts, while the mental health portion was undecidable. Some answers indicated he was a mentally unhinged psycho while others showed a completely sane man. Whichever he was, there was no denying that Mr. Niccals was special.

She reached the door to his room and silently praying that it was one of his good days, pushed it open.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok so you know how I said there would be yaoi in this chapter? I kinda lied. Like 50% lied. It's more fluffy than lemony. Like it almost got there, and then it just gave up. The sad thing is this and the next chapter is probably the most effort iv ever put into anything. They were also just gonna be one long chapter but I decided to cut it in half cause I feel like such a dick for not updating as much as I should. So if it seems short that's why. **

"Alright Mr. Niccals just quick vitals check and you'll be all set to go. You must be excited"

Murdoc let a small sigh escape him while he played with the cigarette in his hands. They wouldn't even let him smoke in this bright hellhole excuse for… he was too tired to even finish the insult in his head. Too tired to do anything but flinch slightly when he felt the needle slide into his arm as Julie finished his medical release form and took a blood sample. He didn't know why they needed it and honestly, didn't give a flying fuck if it would get him out of here. His body ached and his head hurt worse than hell.

If hospitals were supposed to make you feel better, than these people must be walking around with their heads three feet up their asses, cause they seriously sucked at their jobs.

Julie passed in front of Murdoc and leaned down to look him in the eye. "Hon, can you hear me?"

He gave her a positive grunt, not bothering with a real answer.

"Alright, well have I to go turn in your papers and remember even If you try to blow the smoke out of the window the camera will still see you."

And only when she had left did the corner of his mouth curl up into an almost smile. After a solid week of complaining for the loss of his precious cigarettes Julie had finally given in and snuck him a carton. And even though she wouldn't let him smoke any, just holding them made him feel a little better. Just another one of the reasons Julie was one of his favorite nurses. That and the fact that she didn't put up with his whining shit.

She was a huge black women that for some reason today looked like she could pick Russell up and eat him, although that may just have been due to his declining morphine high. In the past hour he could have sworn he had felt something tap dancing on his nose, seen a butterfly on fire, and a telletubby in the corner with such a creeper face that for a second he had thought it was gonna rape him.

***knock-knock***

"Hey muds…. You in there?"

_Shit_

The voice was unmistakable and Murdoc felt sick to his stomach even before 2D stuck his teal blue head though the door and gave him a nervous smile.

"Oh there you are...um so yeah we brought yew some of yer stuff like clothes and...well ac'ually t'ats kinda it just yer clothes yew know so yew wouldn't have to leave in the stupid hospi'al t'ing not that yew look stupid just I didn' think you would want to go home with yur arse all kinda out there not that yew usually mind that when were at home so yeah I just thought, well that's not really true it was more of Russell's idea he's really smart like that, so yeah…hi."

All Murdoc could do was stare at him. He had been preparing himself for the moment he would have to face Stuart for the past two weeks, but now that the singer was here in front of him he couldn't seem to move.

2D stood at the doorway a bit afraid to enter any more. He was fiddling with the hem of his favorite shirt. It had been sent to him by a fan and read" I DREAM OF A SOCIETY WHERE A CHICKEN CAN CROSS THE ROAD WITHOUT ITS MOTIVES QUESTIONED "across the front.

"I'll wait ou'side", the younger man said and, leaving murdocs folded clothes on a chair and slipping out of the room.

After some hesitation Murdoc finally slipped out of bed dressed in the black sweatpants and white t-shirt 2D had left him. He pulled on his shoes and took a final look around the room, glancing out the window at the sky that reflected his mood, and leaving.

It was raining.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The ride home was silent.

Murdoc fell into an almost asleep with his forehead resting on the fogged window. Not moving and breathing softly, eyes fixed on the raindrops racing each other down the glass. Relaxed.

When they reached Kong he stumbled grabbing the car door just in time to stop his fall. Ignoring the voices of the others he pulled himself up and hurried to his Winnebago, right now he just wanted to be alone.

The door opened easily and revealed his partly destroyed home. The bed was overturned and items and random clothing were scattered all over from his anger that night, making the mess worse than usual. He entered the bathroom stepping over shattered glass from the mirror and the dried blood splattered on the walls and floor. He vaguely remembered it, the mix of drugs in his system making everything clouded, smashing the mirror, and falling when his knees buckled from the pain in his stomach.

Only after getting a beer did Murdoc sit leaning against the door and really take in the state of his home. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, muttering the first thing he had said since leaving the hospital.

"Fuck."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The rain pounded down on the Winnebago roof as did the unmistakable sound of a knock on the door. Murdoc sighed, exhaling the puff of smoke he had in his lungs.

"Fuck you!"

"Mu'doc it me j-jus' open the door please!"

"No! Yew gets it yourself"

There was a pause and the door opened slowly to revel 2D standing soaking wet in his boxers. His eyes looked red like he had been crying and his nose was bleeding.

Murdoc stood from his bed to get a better look at his singer. He brushed Stuart wet hair off his face and looked at him questioningly.

"Wot happened?"

2D blushed and looked down at his feet. "I 'ad a bad dream. An' I tripped on the stairs" he raised his head and sniffed the air. A small smile spread on his face.

"T'at weed?"

**NOTE I have kinda hit writers block. Kinda. I know where I want to go, I just don't really know how to get there. If that makes sense at all. So yeah if you have any suggestions go ahead and leave them in reviews. Thanks. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Has anyone else noticed that when they play feel good inc. on the radio you can hear just a little of the giggling from the end of dirty harry?**

**(Does anybody still read this?)**

**Note: I could have sworn that Kong was in America but now I'm not so sure, so for the sake of my sanity I'm putting it in England. Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong. Disclaimer: I do not own gorillaz.**

Murdoc smirked and stumbled back to his bed. "Well, looks like little stueys finally learning his drugs," he said. He sat heavily on the bed and looked at 2D still standing by the door shivering.

"Well? You gonna stand there all night or what?"

2D shrugged.

"Fer satans sake, here t'en at leas' dries off. Yur dripping all over my floor."

He tossed the younger man a random shirt off the floor and watched as 2D dried himself, inwardly admiring every dip of his ribs and the way the drops of water rolled down his pale face and neck.

There would be no rethinking his decision. Besides, the singer never remembered anything and Murdoc really didn't want to be alone tonight.

"Hey 'D, wanna hit?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Everything was fuzzy. Not the bad kind of fuzzy were you don't know where you are. Not frightening. The good kind when yur warm and your brain don't care about anything.

Murdoc was only half listening to 2Ds drugged speech full of slurs and stumbles.

He was lost in his own little world. A world that smelled like butterscotch and weed smoke and the soft blue hair he combed through his fingers. Just like the many nights they had spent together before.

But 2D didn't remember any of that.

It always started the same way. The younger man would get scared or cold or just wanted some company and come running to the Winnebago. Murdoc would get him high or drunk and live out some of his more tame fantasies, always ending the night with a drink and a little something extra in 2Ds glass to keep him ignorant.

His perfect little plan

"..it was just scary….tummy started hurtin' and…."

And the sad thing was it worked. Sometimes he wished it wouldn't. Wished Stuart would remember the times when the older man wasn't hitting or yelling at him. But he never did.

"….Just like it was happening again except….. Russell had a dress o…"

And so Murdoc carried on his obsession in secret.

That was why this had happened in the first place. Stuart was why….

"Muzzy? Y-yew still awake?"

The voice pulled him out of his thoughts and his eyes fell to meet the black holes of the angel whose head was resting on murdocs chest. "Californication" was playing somewhere in the background and 2D was staring up at him with surprisingly lucid-looking eyes.

"Wot? Sorry luv I wasn' lis'ening" he said pushing 2D's still drying hair of his forehead.

Stuart sighed softly. "I had a bad dream," he whispered

"Yeah?" Murdoc said, his mind drifting off again. "Bout what?"

"When yew...w-well…." 2D was scared as hell. Scared to tell him. Scared Murdoc would laugh at him. But _that night _had made him realize Murdoc wouldn't be around forever. And that scared him more than anything.

He knew it was wrong and he knew Murdoc would kill him, but when 2D looked up at his face, the face he had been scared he would never see again, he couldn't stop himself.

So, with his hand gripping murdocs shoulder, he pulled himself up and kissed the older man like it was the last thing he would ever do.

Murdoc leaned back, enjoying the long fingers in his hair and the way 2D tasted. His mind was trying to tell him something was wrong, but he couldn't figure out what.

It wasn't until he felt those same fingers brush over the growing bulge in his jeans did he realize what it was.

_He hadn't started this._

_Stuart did._

_That meant…_

He sat up abruptly pushing the younger man off of him and onto the floor. 2D yelped and looked at him with the expression of a scared puppy.

_Sweet Satan he was adorable _

"Get out," he whispered. He knew how this would end.

He felt a hand touch his arm and he lost it. Threw 2D against the wall but only got in one solid punch before the singer slipped out of his grasp and ran out the door. Murdoc listened to his footsteps echo in the concrete carpark.

_Good,_ he thought. _He's finally learning._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX

He had run back to his room, grabbed a pair of jeans and a hoodie off his floor, and driven the hell away from Kong before he realized he had nowhere to go.

After driving through Essex for almost 20 minutes 2D had finally stopped at one of those chain-store coffee places that were on every street corner. The green neon from the sign was the only thing he could see through the rain and his own tears, and he had headed toward it blindly.

"Hey man you ok there?"

2D looked up from the table where he was doing his best to hide in the corner. The first thing he noticed was the café was completely empty. No surprise there as it was almost midnight.

The second thing he realized was he wasn't as alone as he had thought.

_Dark brown hair, green eyes so bright they were almost neon, and a little black stud on the right side of his nose…._

_The man from the hospital._

"Yew…"

The man laughed. "You," he said. 2D recognized the accent from when the band toured in America.

Stuarts mind was blank. He had never expected…..

"Oh sorry, I'm Alex," the other man said.

"Umm… S-Stuart," he mumbled still a bit shocked.

"Yeah I know." Alex pulled up a chair and sat down with him. "So what are you doing out here so late?"

2D blushed. "I don' really know. What about yew?" he asked hoping Alex would let it go.

"Work here," he smiled. "Not everyone can be all big and famous"

They were both silent for a minute, and then...

"Hey, do you need somewhere to stay tonight? I got an extra room. And no offence but you kinda look like shit, dude."

2D blushed, just then remembering the state he was in. Soaking wet and crying, a bloody nose, and no shirt under his hoodie.

And really, where else was he gonna go? Crawely was too far away, and there was no way in hell he was going back to Kong. At least not tonight.

So when Alex closed up the store and drove home, 2D left his car parked in the rain and went with him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Murdoc woke up the next morning with the undeniable feeling that something was wrong.

It could have been due to the fact that he was hanging upside down over the back of the couch but, after 10 minutes of cursing and finally falling on his head, when he managed to stand up the feeling was still there. The events of last night tumbled through his head as he stumbled down the stairs towards the basement.

The combination of the sound of running water and sunlight in his face was what finally woke 2D up.

He lay there for awhile thinking about last night, or at least trying to. His brain usually didn't work in the morning. Or really any time for that matter.

He sat up, realizing he was in just his boxers and grabbed his jeans and a purple and black plaid shirt that hung over the arm of the couch. He then got up to search for the origin of the noise that woke him up.

He found Alex in the studio apartments kitchen making coffee.

The other man saw him and smiled. "Hey man, wondering when you would wake up," he said. He was already dressed and showered, making 2D feel just plain lazy. But it was ok; Alex let him take a shower there. He let 2D wear his plaid shirt and found him an extra toothbrush too. And when he came out of the bathroom 2D felt a little better. But only a little.

2D wandered over to the couch and sat down, wondering for the first time what the hell he was doing here. Going home with complete strangers was usually a good way to get murdered.

"Hey 2D?"

He looked up to meet the other mans bright green eyes, slightly melting inside.

_Oh yeah, that's why…_

"Just wanted to know, did you need me to drive you home, or, I don't know, you... want to come to work with me. Just kinda hang out?" he smiled. "I get off early today. We could go do something"

"Oh… umm..."

He should go home. He _needed _to go home. But looking in the man's eyes he could feel himself wanting to go with him…

**REVIEWER VOTE YAAAAAAY!**

**Go "hang out" with Alex**

**Get Alex to drive home and see what happens**

**Thanks for being so patient guys! The Santa Anna winds kicked in wear I live and knocked down a telephone pole. (They almost took my garage door off once too. yeah that bad)I had no power for two weeks. There might be a little delay after this chapter too, still no internet at my house. I'm writing at my friends. So yeah review and make me happy please! **


	6. SORRY

**Heyy guys. Sorry about the shitty long, I haven't had a computer for awhile (let's just say my little brother learned a little lesson about why we don't pour juice on computers.) buuuuuttt, guess how got a new one! Everybody say hi to barold! (inside joke) **

**Sooooooooooooooo, yeah new chapters coming soon I promise.**

**And anybody who is still putting up with my bad updating shit I Luvs Yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu ^o^**


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